Ever struggle with fear and trust?

I have realized how little I know of God's goodness, despite the fact that Jesus has shown it to me over and over again. He provided for me for an entire year of no salary and provided every need. I remember a vision God gave me a short while before I left for mission work. It was taking off a beautiful crown and laying it in  the hands of God. Each one of the jewels was something that I valued greatly or worked hard for. But, when I looked into the eyes of God, I was so moved by his love and beauty that I gladly handed him all I had. Then, he asked me to go and I was ready to lay it all down.  It was amazing the healing my heart through the people that I met along the way while serving with YWAM. Those people are the greatest treasure that I could have ever gained in my entire life and far greater than I could have imagined for what I laid down. I am moved to tears when I think of the amazing people who touched my life and how little I could learn to live on, how I could live in tight spots with lots of people, very little of my own space, no transportation, and how much closer I came to God. I was able to leave a family that I really love and be alone (even on holidays with only God to meet my needs). I left a job of 10 years with nothing, no house, no paycheck, buying my own healthcare and no more retirement.... coupled with lots of school loans. Somehow through lots of  faithfulness of God  I have come through, and think I am a bit more mature. Coming back to Pennsylvania many of my needs have been met, I am so thankful. But, I really don't fit anywhere in a permanent sorta way. A good friend reminded me that was because God has a place prepared for me, and it is not here. Deep inside my heart, I know it is true. I know I have always been created to be a full time missionary... although I have been in an out  of it for years short-term..I also know I have been designed to mentor,to love, and compassionately share an authentic journey of kingdom living with others who have never had a chance to see God in a loving way.  However, I  still wrestle with the same fears of trusting people to sow into my future. Plus, I get tired of the work of getting to where I will go next.  Some of the administrative stuff just does not come naturally. I am not a salesperson about my future. I am only a person with a heart to follow God. So again I have wrestled with my journey to continue on staff with Youth With a Mission.  Different days I have questioned the timing, the organization, the location. What is from you God? I ask. Will I have people to send me each month? I don't know. I had in my heart to do a semester teaching in Kona and then head to Brazil. Should I just go to one place now that I have only raised $1,000 for a year? Should I stay in Kona? Should I cut out Kona and try to save what little money I can gain to go directly to Brazil? These are all questions I have asked God. He seems somewhat silent at times and I am reminded to trust. So through my questions, I have realized that both doors seem to be open. So I still have in my heart to go ahead with my original plan. I will aim for Kona in January and work through the fall semester, apply for my visa for Brazil and land in Brazil to lead the English as a Second Language School in April. Pray for me to find MONTHLY supporters. If I know $10 or $20 is coming each month from the same people it will make the process a whole lot easier to work with as I plan to head out. I have set  a deadline of Dec 10th. This allows for one month ahead of departure to buy my ticket to Kona and tell them that indeed I will have the partners needed to make my work happen. At the same time I can apply for my visa because I need to have my plane ticket arrangements made for my visa application to Brazil. Pray that if this is the way to go God will make the way. If it is not, that I will adjust to timing. By the way while you are praying lift up my Praxis test that I take on Nov 13. If I pass this and obtain all my certifications my documentation for my visa will go a lot more easy, and I will have finally reached my goal of tackling that Math test and keep up high standards in my teaching.
I know God has put on my heart a clear calling for unreached people who have not seen or heard the gospel. How it will all play out is up to him. So pray for me okay?
Love to all!
JoEllen